And male victims and survivors of abuse are finding help and support
WARWICK — Across Rhode Island, a growing number of men are stepping up to play an active role in preventing domestic violence. Involving “men as allies” has become a key prevention strategy, both locally and nationwide. The approach aims to shift cultural norms around masculinity and acknowledges that violence is an issue that concerns everyone, including men.
According to the Rhode Island Coalition Against Domestic Violence (RICADV), one in three women and one in four men in Rhode Island have experienced violence by an intimate partner during their lifetime. Statistically, the majority of abuse is carried out by male perpetrators, however this is not representative of the majority of men.
Krista Cunningham, Deputy Director at RICADV, explains, “We know that most men are not violent and believe that violence is wrong. It skews the narrative to cast men in that role. Involving men gives them a chance to change this.”
This is where the “Ten Men” program comes in. Spearheaded by RICADV, Ten Men is one of the coalition’s numerous prevention strategies. Notably, RICADV was one of the first coalitions in the nation to receive prevention funding, two decades ago, from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Today, it remains one of only 13 state coalitions to receive the CDC’s highly competitive DELTA FOCUS funding which aims to decrease risk factors and increase protective factors related to domestic violence.
“The CDC is really wanting us to work on strategies that impact community conditions and norms, and Ten Men does this — not just through interpersonal relationship building but also public awareness campaigns and statewide communications strategies,” says Cunningham.
Ten Men was first established by current RICADV Executive Director, Lucy Rios, nearly ten years ago when she held the role of Director of Prevention. Male allyship was happening elsewhere in the nation, and in 2003, A Call to Men was formed — now a leading national organization for healthy manhood. Attending one of their events inspired what would become Rhode Island’s own program.
“Prior to Ten Men, men were typically brought up in conversation as perpetrators of abuse or participants of systems, like police, prosecutors, and judges,” says Cunningham. Rarely were they included as potential bystanders and individuals who could be part of the solution.
Eighteen men attended the first official gathering with ten returning, aptly naming themselves Ten Men. Today, the annual cohort involves monthly meetings, two weekend retreats, and other group opportunities. Participants become educated on masculinity, gender roles, and domestic violence. They are engaged to disrupt unhealthy patterns in themselves and in the broader community. Additionally, they are mobilized as a group, showing up visibly as allies and taking action in social justice movements.
One recent Ten Men awareness campaign led with the headline, “Masculinity is ___.” Men were encouraged to fill in the blank with their expression of healthy masculinity. Participants used descriptors such as nurturing, joyful, and vulnerable, “It was allowing men to feel the whole spectrum of their humanity and their emotions, versus solely anger or dominance,” explains Cunningham.
During the program, participants are also asked: What does action mean for you? What might applying this to your life look like? “The hope is that they’ll find ways to have an impact and carry these conversations further in their own circles,” says Cunningham. “Many of these ideas come to fruition after the program. That’s when the real work starts, when they are just living their lives and being allies out in the community.”
One participant, for example, organized a speaking program during their Sunday church service. Another, an engineer, requested to be on an office agenda meeting to share information about Ten Men. Others have written opinion pieces on current events, topics of masculinity, and violence. Further, several have created programs of their own.
One of those men is Elliot Rivera, current Executive Director of Youth In Action (YIA). At both YIA and throughout his career, Rivera has worked closely with adolescents and men of color, unpacking toxic masculinity, running men’s groups, and hosting gatherings for men to heal. “As a man of color, Youth in Action is the type of program that wasn’t around for me but would have been transformative,” he says.
This passion drove Rivera to attend a community event hosted by Providence-based domestic violence agency Sojourner House. “It was not only a space for male-identifying folks to come together and be educated on domestic violence, but also to create paradigm shifts and take action,” he says.
Rivera then signed up for Ten Men, identifying as one of the younger men in a predominantly white group. “A lot of the conversation was on the intersections of violence and how we were raised with different levels of privilege. There’s more work for you to do as white men, but there’s this reality of ‘let’s learn together,’ ” Rivera recalls.
In addition to shared discussions around violence, microaggressions, and privilege, Rivera’s group hosted public awareness campaigns, held intergenerational events, and testified on behalf of issues at the State House.
Upon completion, Rivera then created Ten Young Men at YIA. “It’s been a powerful program. Young men are coming into our spaces having been raised in a toxic, patriarchal society. There’s also layers of oppression for young men of color who are first generation or immigrants,” he says. “We learned that just creating this constant space for young male-identifying folks to learn to love each other translates to how we love in our community. This creates awareness and accountability not just to ourselves, but to each other to end violence.”
Chris Gross, Chief Empathy Officer at FabNewport, is another Ten Men alum. Gross was personally invited through his involvement with the Newport Health Equity Zone, an initiative backed by Newport-based domestic violence agency, the Women’s Resource Center. Having heard positive experiences from others, Gross says his interest was multi-faceted.
“Domestic violence is something that I have not been directly exposed to, but that has popped up in my immediate circles. I hoped to grow more informed in my interpersonal life and also in the community,” he says.
Further, Gross saw Ten Men as an opportunity to bring even more impact to the youth at FabNewport. “A lot of our work is preventative — to not wait until boys are men, but to give kids exposure to vulnerability and feelings so that they grow up to be their best selves, or to give them strategies on how to deal with tough-to-talk-about situations,” he says.
Gross quickly saw the value in gathering as a team for encouragement and shared risk-taking. “I looked forward to it and remember feeling hopeful. You’re not doing this by yourself. It’s something that’s done in community,” he says.
Early conversations about abuse and gender-based violence introduced participants to the “man box” — a concept that highlights societal expectations and attitudes around manhood, including who, how, and what a man should be. Inside the box are descriptors like being assertive, in control, and withholding emotions other than anger. Qualities or characteristics that fall outside the box create risks for violence and hate.
Additionally, the group discussed social and systemic world issues, engaging in rallies and advocacy efforts, including traveling to Washington, D.C., and tabling at Woonsocket PRIDE. “We were really practicing using our voice and advocating for things happening in the world right now. At first, I didn’t really understand the connection, but upon reflection, the idea of getting really comfortable with standing up and making space for other people on issues that in some ways doesn’t immediately impact me or us, was a big piece of it,” he says.
Inspired by Rivera’s Ten Young Men, Gross envisions creating a similar program at FabNewport. “I’m the sports guy and there’s a lot of gender norms baked into sports teams. Most of my groups are boys, so I’m in a really unique position.”
Still, men are not just allies. It’s important to remember that they are victims and survivors, too.
Edgard Barroso, CARE Team Advocate at Sojourner House, runs a support and empowerment group for Spanish-speaking, male-identifying, heterosexual survivors of abuse, called El Espejo (The Mirror). The group was formed for post-clinical support. “They already went through domestic violence and really just needed routine check-ins, support and accountability, and a space to communicate and be there for each other,” says Barroso.
During these groups, survivors talk heavily about “reflections” — from their self-perception to how they present themselves in the community. These conversations naturally bring up topics of masculinity, sexism, self-esteem, coping strategies, anger, stigma, and the social implications of trauma.
“We have deep discussions on this. There’s internal biases. Many doubt their masculinity, pulling in negative stereotypes. Others have realized their privilege and how it hinders their access to services, for example, police or medical services,” Barroso says. “A lot report that when they do seek services, there’s a feeling of blame. They also have a feeling that the resources are not really tailored to males.”
This is why Sojourner House and other agencies make a conscious effort to use gender-neutral language, as well as diversify their advocacy staff and leadership. Barroso says this has been instrumental in helping participants know they can seek help. He also believes that increased male voices play a valuable role. “I think it would impact male survivors greatly — that it’s okay to look for help, and that their masculinity and manhood won’t be challenged or diminished in any way,” Barroso says.
Through its participants, the true reach and impact of Ten Men is immeasurable. It’s also just one example of men engaging in anti-violence efforts, and why more men should consider getting involved.
“Just because a man does not condone or commit violence, all men are socialized with what masculinity is and looks like,” says Cunningham. “Dominating one’s partner, being in control, being valued and privileged in different levels of society, that is what can contribute to abuse. That power imbalance has been really eye-opening. Many will say, ‘I’ve participated in some of those behaviors.’ Having those conversations, and not ‘othering’ the issue or villainizing people that cause violence is important,” she says.
Rivera adds to this sentiment of self-reflection and seeing one’s own role. “I think there’s a responsibility from having innate privilege and entitlement to activate that for good, because even if it’s not activated for harm, it still contributes,” he says.
Gross endorses this, too. “Whether they know it or not, men are constrained to that man box. To disrupt this cycle requires not just learning about the society we live in but learning about ourselves,” he says. “A lot of men could really benefit from breaking out of this man box and realizing they have been limited in its scope due to the world we live in. It’s worth it to look inward and be the change that you want to see. It’s an opportunity for men to really continue to grow and become their best selves,” Gross says.
Like so many initiatives, Rhode Island organizations continue to proactively address the root causes that contribute to harm. Ten Men has been nationally recognized, to include RICADV contributing to a national publication titled, Engaging Men & Boys as IPV Prevention Allies: Lessons Learned from DELTA FOCUS.
“This growing recognition of the importance of male involvement is shifting the focus from seeing domestic violence as solely a women’s issue to understanding it as a community-wide challenge. By engaging men as allies, we are creating a united front that not only raises awareness but also fosters lasting change and a safer future for all. This is the fabric of our organization – to achieve our mission to end domestic violence, not just respond to it.”
